By Janis A. Spring
The writer of After the Affair demanding situations the idea that forgiveness is the one applicable reaction to violation, featuring a self-affirming substitute that allows readers to beat the harmful results of hate with no forgiveness whereas outlining a version for real forgiveness that locations re
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Additional resources for How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To
Her idea of ‘close’ was to take over. My idea was to let her dominate me. I came to doubt my ability to know what I felt or thought as a separate human being. I couldn’t say no to her. It’s the same with my husband, Steve. For years I’ve tried to be his good little wife, eviscerating myself, mastering the art of staying attached to a difficult, overbearing person, while ignoring my resentment, my despair. After two kids and thirty years of marriage, I just found out he’s been carrying on with his personal trainer for ten years.
What does make you feel better, studies indicate, is a reduced level of chronic hostility and distress,10 and that comes from Acceptance or Genuine Forgiveness, not from Cheap Forgiveness. With Cheap Forgiveness, you bury or deny your resentment, you don’t resolve it. In The Type C Connection: The Behavioral Links to Cancer and Your Health, Lydia Temoshok and Henry Dreher maintain that Type C persons — those who are chronically unaware of their negative feelings and therefore quick to forgive — are more likely to be candidates for cancer than those who attend to these feelings and learn to cope with them.
Where would mercy lead him? Where would staying in touch? Was it doing Sam any good to protest how his father had mistreated him? Did he really want to spend his life feeling betrayed and abandoned? Before his father died, Sam visited him in the hospital and learned to value his admirable qualities — his humor, his stubborn refusal to submit to liver cancer or to burden others with his pain. Near the end, Sam said to him, “Dad, it would help me get closer to you if you could acknowledge how alone I felt as a child and how, after Mom died, you were never able to give me much of yourself.
How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis A. Spring